I’ve lost both my parents, but I lost my only child and then nearly a year later I lost my husband of 30 years to job related cancer. Then Covid hit. You do your best, let others help-they want to but likely don’t know what you need. Circle your wagons. We are here
It’s very tough to see your dad getting sicker. When I was 12, my dad got cancer and I watched him deteriorate over the course of six months. He died just before Christmas in 2005. We did in home hospice so that he would be around family. Hang in there, Mouthy
Macular degeneration, stroke and dementia. You have my empathy, sympathy, caring thoughts and hugs from afar. I hope you have a good support system holding you up - in addition to all of us out here.
Just try to see him as he is now. Needing help. Whatever your lives were before, as hard as your relationship may have been, it’s past. And he’s not in your future.
Caring for a dying parent is like being drafted into a sacred war no one trained you for. One moment you’re making tea, the next you’re crumbling under the weight of five decades of unresolved grief and laundry.
You’re not weak—you’re witnessing the slow collapse of a mountain that once held up your sky. It’s okay to wobble. Saints wobble all the time. They just do it with style.
Routines break, hearts bend, and somehow, you still show up. That’s holy. That’s enough.
Solidarity, sibling. You’re walking the sacred edge. Don’t forget to breathe.
Thank you for your comments, Viktor. What people have said takes me back to the days I cared for my mom 24/7. Rough work being the kid/caregiver. I honor all the family caregivers. 🥹
I find many people feel Hospice means the very end, but not necessarily. President Carter was on Hospice for over a year… it is just such a help for family… often patients are glad for the help to their families.
But do what is right for you. And take care of youself.
When I was running my parents’ lives, including taking care of their finances, my mom said to me re the financial aspect, “You shouldn’t have to do this.” I replied, “Mom, this is the easy part.”
Your article brought back many memories of my mom in a nursing home.
Taking her to the nursing home that day with my sisters was one of the worst things I ever had to do. She had dementia that had progressed quite a bit.
One of her caregivers told me after she had been there awhile that singing to her helped to redirect her when she was upset about something. Usually she sang "You are my sunshine." I added other songs that I knew she liked.
I went almost everyday for four years. Not a good idea, but I guess it was because I felt guilty.
Two good things, my mom was not a hugger nor did we say I love you often. We loved each other we just didn't say it. We'll we became huggers and I told her probably 20 times a visit that I loved her.
The staff will get to know you and that's a good thing because they know someone is coming to see that patient.
Talk about or write about your feelings it will help. Remember one day at a time. It is okay to take time away. Your readers aren't going anywhere and we are rooting for you. Sending a virtual hug.
Role switching is difficult especially when there is some tough family history to work through. Resentment is normal and hard not to let it take you over because of the pressure. Give yourself some grace and keep plugging along. You have to ignore dad’s tantrum for the sake of your mom and yourself. He might not ever accept it. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! Your back is from stress!!!
This sucks. My partner is a social worker in LTC. Some tips: 1. Don't go on a schedule. Go when you are up for it and only when you're up for it. Otherwise, you'll soon hate your dad. 2. Share your fave Substack writers with us on days you go see him and don't have time to write. We'd love to know who you love and we will still love you when you get back. 3. Visit with you dad with another resident present. Help him get to know other people. Even if he hates them, it's someone other than you. 4. Listen to your absolute favourite music on your way there. Every time. 5. Stay sane, my friend. FYI: You do that by taking care of your heart, not your brain. Love you!
I was a Hospice nurse for a few years… no,it s not easy to see the decline of a loved one. Sure, you are caring for the parent, but don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Do you have a Hospice nurse? Can be a big help to have in home Hospice. Medicare and most insurances pay for Hospice…. They would provide so many things to make the journey less painful. A nurse, a bath aide, a social worker, a chaplain and often have volunteers to sit with the patient for a couple hours so you can stare into space, rest or do errands. They provide a hospital bed, linens,and so much more. You don’t have to do it all alone….stay strong. 👍🏽
Bro, so hard. Esp. when your dad was so hard on you.
I was lucky. My folks were in another state, had a BFF who had some pull with the state board of institutions, and got them into a good home and checked up on them.
All I had to do was talk to the friends and go to the funerals. Dad left enough money that I could pay cash on a new car when ours got totaled. As a man who traded in and bought many, many new cars, I'm sure that would have pleased him.
It’s a tuff grind luvs but we do it for love ❤️ and we support one another as we travel through difficult times on waaay too many fronts . Because giving up is not an option 💜🙏🐝
I’ve lost both my parents, but I lost my only child and then nearly a year later I lost my husband of 30 years to job related cancer. Then Covid hit. You do your best, let others help-they want to but likely don’t know what you need. Circle your wagons. We are here
It’s very tough to see your dad getting sicker. When I was 12, my dad got cancer and I watched him deteriorate over the course of six months. He died just before Christmas in 2005. We did in home hospice so that he would be around family. Hang in there, Mouthy
Macular degeneration, stroke and dementia. You have my empathy, sympathy, caring thoughts and hugs from afar. I hope you have a good support system holding you up - in addition to all of us out here.
8 years of caring for my Mom.
Just try to see him as he is now. Needing help. Whatever your lives were before, as hard as your relationship may have been, it’s past. And he’s not in your future.
Caring for a dying parent is like being drafted into a sacred war no one trained you for. One moment you’re making tea, the next you’re crumbling under the weight of five decades of unresolved grief and laundry.
You’re not weak—you’re witnessing the slow collapse of a mountain that once held up your sky. It’s okay to wobble. Saints wobble all the time. They just do it with style.
Routines break, hearts bend, and somehow, you still show up. That’s holy. That’s enough.
Solidarity, sibling. You’re walking the sacred edge. Don’t forget to breathe.
Thank you for your comments, Viktor. What people have said takes me back to the days I cared for my mom 24/7. Rough work being the kid/caregiver. I honor all the family caregivers. 🥹
I feel for you, brother -- I'm going through an almost identical experience. They don’t teach you how to handle something like this in school.
I find many people feel Hospice means the very end, but not necessarily. President Carter was on Hospice for over a year… it is just such a help for family… often patients are glad for the help to their families.
But do what is right for you. And take care of youself.
When I was running my parents’ lives, including taking care of their finances, my mom said to me re the financial aspect, “You shouldn’t have to do this.” I replied, “Mom, this is the easy part.”
Your article brought back many memories of my mom in a nursing home.
Taking her to the nursing home that day with my sisters was one of the worst things I ever had to do. She had dementia that had progressed quite a bit.
One of her caregivers told me after she had been there awhile that singing to her helped to redirect her when she was upset about something. Usually she sang "You are my sunshine." I added other songs that I knew she liked.
I went almost everyday for four years. Not a good idea, but I guess it was because I felt guilty.
Two good things, my mom was not a hugger nor did we say I love you often. We loved each other we just didn't say it. We'll we became huggers and I told her probably 20 times a visit that I loved her.
The staff will get to know you and that's a good thing because they know someone is coming to see that patient.
Talk about or write about your feelings it will help. Remember one day at a time. It is okay to take time away. Your readers aren't going anywhere and we are rooting for you. Sending a virtual hug.
Role switching is difficult especially when there is some tough family history to work through. Resentment is normal and hard not to let it take you over because of the pressure. Give yourself some grace and keep plugging along. You have to ignore dad’s tantrum for the sake of your mom and yourself. He might not ever accept it. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! Your back is from stress!!!
This sucks. My partner is a social worker in LTC. Some tips: 1. Don't go on a schedule. Go when you are up for it and only when you're up for it. Otherwise, you'll soon hate your dad. 2. Share your fave Substack writers with us on days you go see him and don't have time to write. We'd love to know who you love and we will still love you when you get back. 3. Visit with you dad with another resident present. Help him get to know other people. Even if he hates them, it's someone other than you. 4. Listen to your absolute favourite music on your way there. Every time. 5. Stay sane, my friend. FYI: You do that by taking care of your heart, not your brain. Love you!
I was a Hospice nurse for a few years… no,it s not easy to see the decline of a loved one. Sure, you are caring for the parent, but don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Do you have a Hospice nurse? Can be a big help to have in home Hospice. Medicare and most insurances pay for Hospice…. They would provide so many things to make the journey less painful. A nurse, a bath aide, a social worker, a chaplain and often have volunteers to sit with the patient for a couple hours so you can stare into space, rest or do errands. They provide a hospital bed, linens,and so much more. You don’t have to do it all alone….stay strong. 👍🏽
Bro, so hard. Esp. when your dad was so hard on you.
I was lucky. My folks were in another state, had a BFF who had some pull with the state board of institutions, and got them into a good home and checked up on them.
All I had to do was talk to the friends and go to the funerals. Dad left enough money that I could pay cash on a new car when ours got totaled. As a man who traded in and bought many, many new cars, I'm sure that would have pleased him.
stay balanced...my advice is free and is worth every dime you pay. But please do stay balanced...
It’s a tuff grind luvs but we do it for love ❤️ and we support one another as we travel through difficult times on waaay too many fronts . Because giving up is not an option 💜🙏🐝