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Jake Carney's avatar

It’s not our job to support their children.

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Just Me's avatar

Amen!

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Finley Proudfoot's avatar

Utter nonsense - pseudo-enlightenment at best.

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Desiree Carter's avatar

AMEN to that shit!!!

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Edie Patterson's avatar

Awesome post. Thanks.

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Cathy C's avatar

Thanks Mr Mouthy.

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Brandi H's avatar

I was engaged to a very damaged man and so glad I called it quits before going down the aisle. He blamed me for all his insecurities but they were there well before I showed up. That relationship taught me that I am not the person to fix another person. That has to come from within. You are right about the honeymoon phase being over and finding out who they are later. I am willing to help a man that is willing to help himself. If they can’t do that, I can’t allow myself to treated with disrespect. I had to take my own journey with healing. ❤️‍🩹

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Patris's avatar

Such an important piece. For men and women.

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Martha Johnson's avatar

If only seeing a therapist would fix it. We are in couples counseling but it’s not really working. My point is even if they will attend, they also have to change their behavior within the relationship. Simply sitting through a therapy session isn’t enough either.

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Eric Perro's avatar

An all too common situation for women living in a society like America, historically based on high and toxic testosterone levels and the inherent problems they cause.

Add the fact that subhuman, insecure bullies like Donald Trump act and speak in a way that gives abusive and deranged dirtbags license to act like bloody cavemen.

There are plenty of decent, loving men out there, so just be really picky, ladies.

Without discounting the potential for a healthy, loving relationship, never just roll the dice because you're feeling lonely.

Does he have empathy? Does he SEE you? How is he around his family and friends? How is he around your family and friends? How is he around animals and children? Does he speak about the past but rarely the future? Does he talk at you or to you? Is he effortlessly attentive? Do his values reflect yours? Does he smile or laugh easily? Is he happy with himself and his life? Does he have underlying and worrisome temper trigger points? Which reactions do YOU expect to have towards him in various uncomfortable situations?

An abusive personality is baked in by the time people reach full adulthood, be they male or female. No wishing or good intentions will change that in most cases.

So it's always worth the extra time and evaluation, especially in today's world where even basic decency seems to have been upended.

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Lori Meyer's avatar

Thank you for this post.

Our culture promotes the idea of women being the peacemakers, the healers, the calmers, the forgivers in a relationship or a family. The results come as toxic messaging that brings mental anguish, ongoing abuse, and in extreme cases death to women.

Messaging such as:

-- It's a woman's job to keep the family together.

Is your child rebellious? Mom has to calm them down.

Is your child doing poorly in school? Mom is the one who needs to talk to the teacher.

Did your child run away from home? Mom has to take the initiative to find them.

Is dad spending too much time away from home? It's mom's job to improve the kids' morale and find out what she can do to encourage dad to spend more time at home.

It's mom's job to get Christmas up and running, make sure the decorations in the house are perfect, make sure there's something under the tree for everyone, and shut down any family fights, because after all, "it's Christmas."

-- Boys will be boys.

I can't think of a more dysfunctional way to raise a son than to believe this. America's boys need to learn from both their mothers and fathers that gender does not legitimize sexism, humiliation, rape, narcissistic control, and other forms of cruelty.

-- You've got to forgive him.

Forgiveness is too often weaponized against women who are abused or who are unhappy in a relationship -- because forgiveness is too often wrongly interpreted to mean "starting over with a clean slate" or "putting the past behind us" when the possibility of future abuse never goes away.

-- He didn't mean it. He was upset, he was mistreated, he lost his job, etc.

A woman is expected to believe that "not meaning it" legitimizes the abuse. Sadly, many others -- in-laws, siblings, or friends -- often use this "didn't mean it" argument to put down a woman who is justifiably angry at being abused.

-- At least he didn't hit me. It could have been worse.

A tragically common response to emotional, verbal, or financial abuse -- all of which are as bad as, and sometimes worse than, physical abuse.

-- Give him another chance.

A woman is expected to be patient, to listen, and to allow him to show that he's changed -- even if this is the 10th "another" chance.

-- Have you done everything you can do to save the marriage?

It's a woman's job to prevent a divorce. If the marriage dissolves, she didn't work hard enough to save it. She didn't listen; she wasn't patient enough.

-- I went back to him because I love him.

It's wrong for a woman to withdraw love for a man she was committed to. To do so is cold-hearted.

-- He said he was sorry, and I think he really means it this time. And he gave me a dozen American Beauty roses.

A woman can't turn her back on a man who apologizes -- even if that apology is the 5th, 10th, or 20th.

-- I can't abandon him now. He needs me.

Stand by your man. Again and again.

A while ago, I read about some research indicating that when one partner in a marriage or relationship is an alcoholic and the other one isn't, some 90 percent of the women stay in the relationship when the man is the alcoholic, but that close to 90 percent of the men leave the relationship when the woman is the alcoholic.

Women deserve far better than all of this. I'm grateful to the decent men in the world who spare women from this pain. I wish there were more of them.

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Susan from OC's avatar

After 41 years of marriage, I know that it is not possible to "fix" anyone who is broken, unless that person wants to be fixed and is willing to do the work. I've also learned to pick my battles. No matter how important something may seem, if you have no chance of winning, then your options are either accept or get out! If you can't accept, then find a way out.

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Sue Yingling's avatar

Exactly! No more fixer-uppers!

At the FIRST red flag, end the relationship. He’s on his best behavior now. It only gets worse from here on out. You deserve better.

Don’t ever say “I do” if you really mean, “I will re-do”. That’s a recipe for failure.

Love can only flourish in an environment where I accept the other just as he/she is, not as I want him to be.

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Teri Gelini's avatar

Great article and 100% agree with you Mouthy. Too Many women stick around when they should walk. There are many services available for them including a national hotline. They need to at least make contact to see what they have available. I was in the same situation and stuck around far too long in the 70"s. We did not have the options but I finally left and it was the best thing for me. .

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Ninah's avatar

Many women (I can’t speak for men, but I’m sure it happens), see the potential in the men they’re dating and feel that’s the actual person. However, “potential” is just an act! When you see the bad side? That’s the real person!!

If you think about it, when you’re dating, both parties are putting on their best face. This can be kept up for quite a while. But once they feel they’ve “got you hooked”, then you’ll see who that person really is.

Also, if anyone says “I love you” or wants to introduce you to the family or friends and you feel it’s too soon? Beware. Step back. Watch their actions. If they’re fine and step back too, then move forward more slowly. But if they pressure you. Run.

Dating is just to see if you want to go on another date. Getting to know someone takes time. If you feel any pressure, wait to see what happens. There should be no rush to solidify a relationship. Sometimes moving on to look for a better fit might be healthier for you.

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Eric Perro's avatar

Excellent advice. The basics really.

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Karen Scofield's avatar

One hundred percent Agreed ‼️ Good article today, Jason, and will reStack ASAP 💯👍🐶👈

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