11 Disney Characters Deported by ICE

From Aladdin to Mulan — these dangerous Disney freeloaders have to go

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Robin Wilding

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Under the leadership of cosplaying Kristi ‘Border Barbie’ Noem, the vigilante-style ICE brigades have been yeeting immigrants right, left, and center. About 10% are shipped off to Africa, while many others are sent to gulags in El Salvador.

And now, some go to Alligator Alcatraz, which sounds like the Harry Potter version of a customs prison.

Noem and her masked hicksbollah ICEers would deport the tooth fairy if they could. That tooth fairy bitch not only sneaks into the country by magical, untraceable flights — she also steals the teeth of hard-working Americans.

As soon as I thought about Noem deporting the tooth fairy, my satirical brain started thinking about the types of characters that ICE would deport. After all, Noem adores cosplaying different characters. She’s played Highway Patrol Patsy, Konstruction Karen, and a Cowgirl Coupatriot.

She’s played so many roles that she’s covered the entire Village People. Or at least her iterations of them, as the Village Idiot.

In honor of Border Barbie playing make-believe with the constitution, I came up with how Noem’s ICE and her Klan Karenhood agents would treat Disney’s characters if they were living on American soil.

So, how would my favorite Disney characters fare in an ICE world?

Well...

Aladdin

ICE and Kristi’s Corn-bred Caliphate would definitely deport Aladdin. He’s guilty of two of their favorite ‘crimes’, being brown and poor. Jafar would be deported because America can only have one evil super villain. And the genie would only be allowed to stay if he were beholden to Trump.

Jasmine would be allowed to stay if Trump could arrange to marry her. In an attempt to build a whole harem of women who won’t sleep with him.

The Sultan would, of course, be allowed permanent residency. He’d secure one of Trump’s Gold Visas, so long as he gave Trump a palace, plane, or magical military carpet.

Peter Pan

Yes, Peter Pan would be allowed to stay. But he and the Lost Boys will be recruited to the Proud Boys, to show them how to fly — and wear tights.

The Prince of Egypt

Ok, I know this one is Dreamworks, not Disney, but I had to include this one because it has Moses in it. Moses would absodiddlylutely get deported. He’d be studying at Harvard, leading student revolts, when they yanked him off campus and into an unmarked van. Noem’s Delta Farce would assume his brown-skinned Middle Eastern ass would be part of some sort of terrorist group.

Even if Moses wasn’t embedded in Al Queda, he’s clearly a leader adept at leading people to revolt, which this administration clearly can’t tolerate. They have enough protests already.

Alice in Wonderland

Nope, there are already too many drugs coming across the border, and that bitch is clearly high as fuck. Alice and her entourage of Cheshire Cat types would be deported by Kristi and her Vanilla ISIS for trafficking fentanyl.

And stay out!

Pocahontas

You might think Pocahontas gets to stay because she’s native to the land of America. But you’d be wrong. Noem and her Chub Scouts would either assume she was Mexican or deport her for being an eco terrorist.

The Little Mermaid

The Little Mermaid would be deported because she was husband-hunting for a green card. Her marital visa would be revoked, and she and her mer-anchor-babies would be thrown back into the sea.

Also, Trump hates gingers.

Gingers are next on the deportation list, once he’s done with the immigrants. He thinks they steal souls and control Jewish space lasers.

Mulan

Mulan would be deported by Krist’s Coup Cucks Clan. Twice. The first time she’d be deported for being a cross-dresser, which is too close to being trans for the liking of Noem and her Irrational Guard.

But since she’s a clever minx, adept at sneaking into places with her incredible powers of disguise — she’d come back. So they’d get to deport her again, this time for being a Chinese military spy.

Beauty and the Beast

Only half of this classic couple duo would be deported. The Beast would be deported because Trump doesn’t like anything he considers ‘ugly’. His fair-skinned maiden, however, would be marked safe from ICE. She would be delivered directly into the hands of Gaston, where she’d enter a Handmaid’s Tale-type indentured servitude, and become his Trad Wife.

The cutlery and furniture wouldn’t be deported, but they would be sent to a detention camp and put into a slave-like work program, because have you seen how well those mofos clean?

Snow White

Let’s face it, nobody who’s white as the driven snow is being deported.

The Lion King

Mufasa, the King of the Pride Lands, would be immediately deported for rabble-rouser-like activity. Intel from the Gravy Seals and Green Buffets, cited in his deportation, quoted him as saying, “I just can’t wait to be King!”. With a note that he was singing it in a jubilant tone, commonly reserved for protestors.

Mufasa will be deported to South Sudan, even though it’s nowhere near his home, in Pride Rock. Meh, Kristi’s TWAT Team isn’t great at geography.

Rafiki, ‘the kingmaker’, is also out.

The hyenas, however, would not only be allowed to stay, but they’d immediately be given positions in Trump’s cabinet. Especially Ed, who’d head up the Department of Education.

Moana

The Yeehawdists at ICE claim that this Disney princess was found to have illegally entered the country by boat. In addition, ICE noted that she brought in a chicken that had Mad Poultry Syndrome, and claimed this is what happens when illegals sneak in.

Maui will also be deported, with the Free Press claiming that Trump was personally intimidated by his size and physique.

The giant crab villain Tamatoa is allowed to stay. As it turns out, Trump likes the cut of his greedy, selfish, and hoarding jib. And he traded the Heart of Te Fiti and Maui’s hook for an American Golden Visa.

There you have it. Not even the Disney princes and princesses would be safe in today’s Murica. Save for a few of the sultan-types who would buy their Golden Visas with their ill-gotten riches.

But overall, very few in the Disneyverse would be safe from ICE’s KKKristi Noem and her merry band of Methamphetamarines.

There would be so many Disney detentions that Alligator Alcatraz wouldn’t be enough to hold them all. They’ll need a second one, Agrabah ADX. Perhaps a third, Azkaban Attica.

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